It all started with an image of myself walking down the street in the middle of the day. That was the sort of life I wanted. I wanted my time to be my own. I wanted to be the master of my fate. I wanted to be free. This was the feeling on which I committed to meditate for the month of March.
Well, it was a busy month. And the memory of that previous post was all but lost. However, in the midst of it all, planning the final details of a wedding, teaching intenSati, shopping for a wedding gift for my now-husband, dress fittings, food tastings, flash-mob organizing, and then the business of getting married and going on a honeymoon, I happened into a new meditation. This month I meditated on presence. I wanted to fully experience every moment of this amazing time in my life, so I worked on staying conscious and enjoying all of it.
The magical thing was that I it worked. Of course it worked. I was awake. I was alive. And my wedding and honeymoon didn’t feel like they soared by me in a blur.
The other magical thing was that while I was enjoying life and this amazing, spectacular, everyone-you-ever-loved-in-the-same-room time, I nearly manifested the vision…the dream (which I am no longer calling “the dream” for reasons to be explored)…of walking down the street in the middle of the day.
It’s not because I quit my job. It’s not because I now live a 32 hour day while the rest of the world still struggles with the same 24 hours they always had. It’s not because I’ve told everyone else to f*ck off and stop telling me what to do. It’s because I had a Dorothy Gale-esque shift in perspective. All these things: the walking in the middle of the day, the freedom, the “personal time,” were there all along. I just failed to recognize them. I didn’t have to look any further than my own backyard.
I had previously been choosing to live my life as though I was not in control of my time. I was choosing to believe that I was not the master of my fate. That I was stuck. I was choosing to believe I was not free. As easily as I chose to believe all these things, I can choose to believe the converse. Except it’s not easy. A lot of beliefs like these have been deeply imprinted on our minds. It will take work and daily practice to believe I am free, I am in control. But it feels so much better than what I used to believe.
So this month I commit to honesty. I dabbled with this a little bit throughout March. This month, as Spring approaches – the season of rebirth – I allow my truthiest voice to be heard. I say what I mean to say. I speak freely. I give up strategy. I say, “When I am me, I am free.”