How the One Thing You’re Wishing For is Keeping You Stuck
You’re doing great. You’re searching underneath your worry and anxiety and you’ve found the hidden unmet needs that are keeping you stuck.
You’ve found a way to ask for what you need.
But there’s still one thing you’re wishing for that’s keeping you in a bundle of nerves.
The one thing you’re wishing for that’s keeping you stuck…it’s your wish that things were different than they are.
Admit it: when you’ve made a request of someone else, or your working toward fulfilling you own unmet needs, you secretly pine for a particular outcome. You want it to work out your way. You want it the way you want it and you want it that way now. (Okay, I’ll make you — er, us — sound a little less demanding. You — um, we — want it the way we want it…as soon a possible.)
However, when you attach your contentment to a particular outcome, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and even more anxiety. So much of our pain comes from wishing things are different than they are. The key to releasing this pain is to detaching from the outcome.
So, how do you detach from the outcome, you might be asking.
1) Be super-duper clear about what you need.
Let’s say you’re experiencing relationship anxiety. You’ve thought about it long and hard. You’ve worked through it with a coach (or someone else who is not going to give you advice but who is just going to objectively help you get underneath everything you’re thinking and feeling). You gotten to the point where you’re in touch with what’s getting you all jacked up. And you’ve figured out what need is not being met that’s making you feel like your whole life is being lived on a magic carpet that moves and shifts without warning, putting you on unsteady ground. And then you’ve even opened your heart and worked up the courage to ask your partner for what you need. Being super-duper clear means you’ve removed any accusations from your request and you’ve spoken in pure “I” statements. Tip: a super-duper clear need does not require something of someone else. It’s a simple declaration of an internal vacancy. “I need emotional intimacy.” or “I need straightforward relevant communication.”
2) Determine your non-negotiables so that you can let go of the rest
A transformational side-effect of this needs exercise is confidence and clarity. You will feel so alive that you’ll feel fueled and bold. And you’ll realize that your peace of mind is more important than almost anything else. So, once you’ve put your needs out there, let go of your desire for a particular outcome. Be with the discomfort of not knowing how it’s going to turn out. Have faith that the outcome will serve your highest good. Even though the thought of everything crumbling because your need might not be met is the one thought you want to banish from existence, remind yourself that you deserve it. You are worthy of a partner who is willing to help you in your peace of mind pursuit, someone who is understanding and able to work with you to fulfill your needs, especially the anxiety-related ones.
This isn’t to say that if your partner can’t meet your needs that you have to leave. The decision is always up to you. But the fact of the matter is — and it’s another mind tweak that should alleviate some worry — you always have a choice. And when you expand your notion of what’s possible, the haze of uncertainty around you can begin to lift.
So, I want to know: how did asking for what you need make you feel? And was it possible to detach from an outcome? “Out” your outcome in the comments, so that we can all hold space for it, but also so that you can finally let it go.
I’ll be on the lookout for your feedback in the comments below.
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