On Monday, I went to a meditation class. After an extensive meditation, during which the teacher, Gabrielle Bernstein, went around the room offer guidance to each of us based on the energy she was picking up, she told me that I had to visualize my negative thoughts and energy lifting up and escaping from my third eye (bear with me here). She went on, afterward, to say that I had this heavy energy – not the good kind – sitting on my chest, like a brick. Yes, of course I do. I thought I knew exactly what was composing this brick (All long-forgotten refuse left to fester and collect, like flypaper, all sorts of other disgusting refuse. Which, by the way, in my mind’s eye, looks like a version of the earwax candle they tried to make on Mythbusters. By far, the most disgusting thing I have ever seen on television). It could be made of the long-held resentments I am still trying to let go of, the doubt propagated by the naysayer in my head, and…I am sure there’s more.
The thing is, I thought I was doing well. I thought I was releasing all the negativity and I had been feeling light. I had been feeling really good. But maybe all I’d been doing is slapping an affirmation on it. Maybe I hadn’t really been doing the work to get rid of these things. Maybe I wasn’t doing this whole meditating, and law of attraction, and course in miracles thing right at all.
So naturally, I panicked! Not immediately. But later. At home. And the entire next day. Wow, a brick on my chest. How was I even able to breathe? And the heart palpitations I’ve been having for the past year and half, maybe that’s part of it too?
So Tuesday morning, I got up at 5:15 and meditated like I have been, but this time I had new focus. My brick, which I guess doesn’t really remind me of earwax, but rather a regular brick, because I visualized it being chiseled away and then the pieces falling and breaking up and then the bits of dust left over being swept away to be recycled as sand on a beautiful beach. Then as day progressed, I started feeling worse and worse. As though that brick was protecting something inside me. I felt more vulnerable than ever. I also started feel really antsy and angry and annoyed. (All the wonky A things.) Last night I made my gratitude list. Because I do it in chronological order, it always starts with “waking up next to S.” I made my desire list and made sure to let them go, too. And I went to sleep.
This morning I did the same meditation, on the brick, that I did yesterday. Then I went to intenSati. Sitting in meditation, for the short time that we do, at the end of class, I had a breakthrough. I almost started crying. I realized that the doubter, the naysayer inside me is actually, however misguided, trying to protect me. It’s very convincing when it tells me that any professional risk I take will result in having less money, and consequently rendering me unable to ever live anywhere other than my studio apartment. The doubter thinks it is protecting me when it questions things, all sorts of things, depending on the day. This realization immediately allowed me to be kinder to those voices. I don’t have to shut them up. I can just say, “thanks but no thanks.” Thank you for that thought, I realize you are just trying to protect me, but I don’t need that thought right now. Right now, we are focusing on love. So, you, little voice that offers the negativity, you can get on board, or else we’ll just ignore you until you’re retrained.