In February, I was committed to inquiry.
Why are there things in my life that make me less than happy? And why are they still in my life? Why are they making me unhappy? And why can’t I seem to let them go?
I realized that I wake up every morning with fearful thoughts. They range from fears for my personal safety to gripes and groans about my daily grind. This may not seem fearful at face value but underneath it all, negative thoughts about my daily life, feeling stuck above all, are fearful. If not for the sake of fear, why else would I imagine I am stuck. I am stuck because I am fearful of what would happen if I took the steps to get unstuck.
I did something that may seem crazy. I asked for my fears to be revealed to me. It’s veryPandora. Pandora was the first woman, created by unique gifts given to her by all the gods. It’s said though, that Pandora opened a jar out of pure curiosity and released all of mankind’s evils into the world. She closed the jar leaving only Hope still inside. With curiosity, and what I was calling gentle inquiry, I wanted to look inward. I wanted my fears to be revealed to me so that I could understand their origins. I wanted to see their evidence in my life. I wanted to shine a light on my fears for two reasons. Bringing them into the light is the only way to actually see them in their true form. And also: dark things are no longer dark when they are brought into the light. They are transmuted, recycled and purged.
The fears I uncovered included a fear of not having enough. Enough money, most often. I also have this fear of growing older and still not having a firm grasp on what it is I can most successfully offer to the world. And along with that rides the fear that I don’t believe I can fulfill my most sought-after dreams.
In order to confront these fears I committed to standing up to belief in lack, whether confronted with my own or other people’s. I commit to believing in abundance. I commit to believing I am meant for great abundance. I say to myself, “there is always enough.” It’s not that hard for me to believe in abundance. I have always lived by the maxim “do what you want and you’ll figure out how to pay for it.” This way of living rests on the belief that we have all the support we need. I tap into my intuition and know that I will take the next right action to strike a balance.
With respect to living my dream while not quite knowing what that dream truly is, I have been tapping into the feeling of that dream. I may not know the form the dream will take, but being able to feel it’s content will put my on a path toward discovering what I should be doing. On days that feel particularly in sync with how I’d like to live my life, I acknowledge the rightness of the moment. “I love this day.” And in that moment, I know I can recall that feeling at any time, so that I might live my dream day on any day.
As I accrue days that feel right, I commit, in March, to work on meditating on the feeling of those days, even…or especially…on the days that are not chocked full of the same grateful feeling. I want to experiment on this and see what happens. Will it invite more opportunities to experiences those dream-like days? Will it offer new ways to experience the same grateful, enthusiastic vibrations? Will it just remind me ever more starkly how many days don’t reflect the great days?
I can feel any way I want to feel about my life. I commit to feeling enthusiastic and optimistic that my dream is here now and I can call it up at any moment. It is all working out…and I suspend all doubt.